Our Very Scary Week

We went to our 20-week anatomy scan with bright-eyed naïveté. (For those of you who either were pregnant before they did these anatomy scans, or are not in the phase of life where you/your besties/everyone you know is getting married and having babies... Let me explain. At 20(ish) weeks it is now customary to have an in-depth ultrasound in which the tech measures and takes images of all the main organs, etc. screening for any potential defects.)

We were so excited to get to watch our little one swim and squirm for 45 whole minutes while the tech snapped away! Ha. In reality, they made Alex wait in the lobby, and I stared at the dimmed fluorescent lighting in the ceiling while the tech pushed, and prodded on my uterus and (full!) bladder for 45 minutes, politely responding with no emotion to my every attempt to break the awkward silence with a witty quip or comment. (In her defense, they aren't allowed to reveal any info or lead you to believe things are good/bad due to liability.) 

At one point, I started to have a mini panic-attack because it seemed to me that she was going over and over the head/heart area of my baby. I thought this because it's the biggest part of the baby- and it hurt when she pushed! She finally told me she was having difficulty getting the baby in a position to capture heart images, and she sent me to retrieve Alex from the waiting room and go to the bathroom (thank God! I had to throw up! #noimnotjoking #mypregnantlife) 

Alex came and stood in the room and tried to decipher what exactly it was he was lookin at on the screen, while the tech chased the baby around a few more times, and then finally gave up. She explained that baby was laying horizontally across my uterus, with it's back facing out (face toward my spine). She explained that she couldn't get the images of the heart she needed, and they would be calling us to come in for another ultrasound, not to panic when we got the call. 

We did leave with this adorable little image of the glow worm that I am apparently carrying in my womb:

And that's as good as the images get! 😁

A week later I received a call from Kaiser wanting to schedule an appt for us with a Genetic Counselor, and a High Risk OB for an ultra sound. Woah. The tech had not said anything about genetic counseling, or a high risk ultrasound. I knew this was something different than just a re-scan for better imaging. But then again, Kaiser is all about protocol and procedure- was this just routine?

I contacted my OB's office and a nurse told me they had found markers on the ultrasound that triggered the genetic counseling and high risk OB appt, and that she would try to have my OB contact me with more info. 

Parenthood is a crazy thing. This baby is not even on the outside yet, and already we, as Mom and Dad, our hearts are

pre-occupied with wanting to protect and care for this little one even now. The "what-if" possibilities were swirling around us. Fear of what health problems our little one may have, whether or not we would have the means to care for it's every need, could we be "enough" for it, as parents? Would this baby get to stay with us? 

I was explaining to a friend yesterday, that this moment for me was my "rubber meets the road" moment. This moment in which I truly had to own and apply my faith in God and belief that ALL life has purpose and value and is a gift, no matter what that life may look like. It was a beautiful chance for me to realize how much my niece Lucy, and nephew Timothy, had grown my heart to be able to take that leap of faith and know it would be worth the risk and the pain. This baby, no matter what, was chosen for our family, and Alex and I could only pray that we could be what God was

calling us to be for it. 

After finally hearing back from the OB with more info about 4 days later (it turns out, she had left me a detailed voicemail before the initial appt call had come through, but I never saw it sitting on my phone), the OB confirmed that the ultrasound had shown potential soft markers for Down Syndrome in the heart and kidneys and THAT is what triggered the counseling appt and ultrasound with the High Risk OB. 

I cried sweet tears of relief. If Down Syndrome is all we have to worry about, then we really have no worries at all! My sweet Godson Timothy has taught me so much in just one year of his life about authentic JOY and love, I cannot imagine my life, or the lives of my future children, without his pure heart and faith to help us be better. With that news, my heart relaxed. I mean, come on, folks! Look at this face:

And his chubby feet and hands... I seriously can't stand it:

So if our little baby is anything like it's cousin... We will be blessed beyond measure. 

(Tune in next time, for the low down on our high risk appts)