An Open Letter to my Daughter on Her 6th Day of Life

My little Pearl,

It has been just 6 days since you challenged me to be the bravest I have ever been. At 39 weeks along in my pregnancy, your amniotic fluid was low and they sent me for an induction. After 24 hours, 2 doses of Cytotec, 2 failed epidural attempts, 1 successful epidural attempt, a dose of Pitocin, and an emergency c-section, you came into the world crying. 

It's true what those poetic mamas always say. The sound of your voice (though it was a strange sound because you had fluid in your lungs) was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, and it awakened something deep inside of me: a love for you, my first child, my newborn daughter, my Mildred Pearl. 

Your doctor began your newborn screenings after they invited your daddy to cut your umbilical cord, but all I could do was wonder what you looked like, how big you were, if you had that full head of hair that I had ordered... Your daddy returned to my side while they cleaned you up and I could hear the nurse telling him that you were struggling to keep your oxygen levels where they should be (you were hovering around 80%) and that they were concerned that you might have an infection. They admitted you to the NICU for observation and care, and your doctor added that you were showing soft markers for Down Syndrome--the shape of your eyes and the thrusting of your tongue--and she ordered a blood test to confirm. 

I caught a glimpse of you as the doctor and nurses rolled you away to the NICU. Your daddy asked them to hold you up so I could see you, six feet from where I was laying while they finished surgery. I cried at the sight of you. You looked just like newborn me. You were my daughter and I loved you instantly.

I didn't see you again until almost two hours later when they wheeled my bed next to yours on my way to a post-partum room. When I saw you, they had your arms and legs strapped down because you were so squirmy and strong, and you had tubes attached all over you. Even in that condition you were beautiful, my new baby. We had to spend the night apart from you, though. Not getting to hold you, was awful. I don't think I will ever forget when they placed you on my chest for our first skin-to-skin time almost 24 hours after you were born. It was heaven. It still is. You, my Millie Pearl, will always be my little glimpse of heaven. 

Over the next several days as you were released from the NICU into our care, your daddy and I soaked up every moment with you and enjoyed getting to know you, discovering all of your little quirks and peculiarities. I spent many of those hours staring at you, trying to see the Down Syndrome that your doctor saw, but I couldn't. Yes, your eyes are almond shaped, but so are your daddy's. Yes, your nose is tiny, but my nose is small too--and you're a tiny baby! Yes, you thrust your tongue, but so did I, and your grandma, and your great grandma too. They're wrong, I thought. Those were all just family traits.

Yesterday, when we took you to your first check up, the doctor told us that your genetic test had come back positive for Down Syndrome. I fought back tears, (mostly from "baby blues", but also, partially, from shock). He gave us an overview of the upcoming appointments that would make sure you were healthy (you are), and left us alone to pack up your things. I cried. I held you close to me. I hugged you. I kissed you. And I cried. 

I want you to know why I cried, sweet girl. I want you to know that I am not disappointed in you. I cried for you. I grieved the loss of things that you might not have in life, and all the hurt or frustration you might experience along the way. I mourned the way some people might react to you, or treat you when you're older. I ached for all the struggles you might have to endure because of your condition. My mama heart wants so badly to protect you, to save you from all of that, and I can't. 

But in my sadness, the Lord whispered a beautiful truth: you are created exactly how you were meant to be. You were knit in my womb before I even knew you were there, and you have had that extra little chromosome from the time your DNA was formed. This is not something that just happened to you on your fifth day of life when we found out--this is an integral part of your creation that we are just getting to know (along with that cute little pouty face you make in your dreamy sleep). 

Your dad and I want you to know some very important things, Little One. We want you to know that you are capable of anything you commit yourself to--just like everyone else. We will help you in every way that we can, to develop your strengths (and strengthen your weaknesses) so that you can accomplish every single one of your aspirations. We want you to know that, because we love you, we will challenge you even when it feels impossible, because it isn't impossible, and you ARE capable. 

We also want you to know how beautiful you are. I have realized that part of the reason I don't see Down Syndrome features when I look at you, is because I just see my daughter, with a tiny little button nose, small, intricate ears, a tongue thrust just like her mama, and eyes, a round face, hands and feet just like her papa. You are more like us than you may (someday) like to admit. I want you to know, that people have told us over and over and over again what a pretty little baby you are. And they're absolutely right! Like a beautiful little doll. Our little love.

The other reason that I don't see Down Syndrome when I look at you, my Millie Pearl, is that Down Syndrome is something that you have, but it is not who you are. You are our daughter, Mildred Pearl, and we love you with a love that is unlike anything we have known before. Many people have told us how lucky you are to have parents like us, and how, "God could not have picked more perfect parents" for you, but I think they're wrong. We know we're the lucky ones. And we are so grateful for all of the things you are already teaching us about love, faith, and joy. Keep teaching us, our pure little soul, and help us to be more like you. 

All our love,

Your Mommy & Daddy

    

Stitch Fix

I follow this wonderful blog, Carrotsformichaelmas , and every so often she posts a review of a shopping service she uses, called Stitch Fix. I read through every post eagerly, looking at the cute styles sent to her by her personal Stitch Fix stylist, and laughing at her husband's comical commentary on each item. However, when I initially looked into Stich Fix, I was out of the size range because they don't carry plus sizes (though I think I read on the site somewhere that they haven't ruled it out forever) so I just followed "Carrots" and coveted her Stich Fix experiences. And then, something magical happened... She mentioned in her latest post that Stitch Fix is now carrying maternity. Ohmyglob. Sweet baby Jesus loves me.
Here are the basics of how it works:

• You go to their website, and create an account, complete with a style profile of your style preferences, color or material preferences, etc. the more info you can give them, the better your chance of being happy with what they send you (so I hear)
• You pay a $20 styling fee to have a box of 5 items sent to you
• A Stitch Fix stylist selects items for your fix based on the information you give them (have a Pinterest style board, etc... Send that to them too!)
• A box of wonderful goodness arrives, including a personal note from your stylist!
• Each item is new, you can try it on in the convenience of your own home, with your other clothes to match outfits etc.
• If you like any of the items and want to purchase them, the $20 styling fee counts as credit toward your purchase. If you do not like any of the items, you're out the $20 fee. IF you like all 5 items and want to purchase, they offer an additional 25% off your total.

I'm sort of on the prowl for a dress for Easter/my shower, so I asked Husby about it and he thought I should go for it. (He is the MOST generous to me!) There was still the concern about sizing, however I have found that, in general, in recent shopping for maternity clothes, I am into a regular size XL, and no longer in the plus size range (pregnancy sickness for the win!). I was unsure about whether it was boutique style sizing (typically running freakishly small, can I get an Amen???), but decided maternity clothes should be a little more forgiving so I took the plunge!

My box arrived today, just as I was headed out the door with Alex to go hang out with him at his work. And, because I couldn't wait, and neither could he, I tried on all the clothes at his work. (He sits at the front desk of a dorm at his university, and it's spring break. So... Crickets!) so please excuse the plain white wall background, and the fact that I had to try on tops with the skirt I was wearing. Here we go!

Item #1- Kerri Maternity Dress ($148)
My stylist sent this sweet note about wanting to send me a dress for my shower, and apologizing for it being out of my requested price point she also offered to order a dress within my price point for my next fix if necessary.

 

I didn't hate it, but I also didn't love it. The back is a drop V neck, which is pretty, but in general I hate wearing black in the spring and summer because it's not one of my colors, and I just feel like I'm trying to hide.

Alex's take: "I like it a lot. It's very flattering. I mean, it's not my favorite of all time, but it's nice."

At $148 though... I think I'll pass.

Item #2- Clarkston Cowl Neck Maternity Top ($48)

 

I love this color. Coral is one of my favorites to wear. I was a little worried about how clingy the fabric would be, but for later in pregnancy it's fine. The cowl is kind of pretty...

Alex gave me a blank stare when I asked him what he thought... And not the good kind. Lol. Then he said he was just trying to process the color. He thought the "neck was kinda weird, but nice."

It isn't too bad price-wise, but I'm not sure if the soft jersey would hold up through washing to wear into future (God willing) pregnancies...will it pill?

Item #3 - Vinnie Open Crochet Detail Cardigan ($58)

My stylist mentioned in her note that she saw a chunky open cardigan on my Pinterest board (which I shared in my profile) so she included this sweater because it was similar. 

It's a very nice sweater, though it feels more like it runs a size small and just works because it's supposed to fit more loosely than it does (added to that impression is the rounded "butt cover" bottom in the back).

I still kind of want to get it because it's such a nice cozy sweater... And the back detailing is very pretty:

Alex's take: "That would be nice for winter"

Oh yeah, that's right. It's Southern California and already 90 degrees. Waaaa.

Item #4 - Kaitland Spade Charm Long Necklace ($36) & Item #5 - Melanie Graphic Print Maternity Blouse ($58)

I love the necklace- it is heavy enough to be a more quality piece of jewelry, but not so that it will hurt my neck (I have issues with an old car accident injury)


I also love the top. I love the colors, and the visual interest of the squared neck, and I love tops with more structure/heavier fabrics like this one (polyester, but really soft) because they don't cling to every sin (as they say). However, it is a little tight in the arms, and it doesn't give me much room for the bump to grow... And I hear it's really going to grow ;)

Alex made a face, and then drew a square on his own chest to match the squared collar on this shirt while he said "I don't like that." He also didn't like the pattern, or the color... I think?

So what are your thoughts? Which items do you think I should or should not keep? Right now, I think I am only sold on the necklace for sure (and I may as well put my styling fee towards it instead of losing the $20 since I do like it a lot).

Help me choose!

Also, if you are interested in trying Stitch Fix for yourself, please use my referral link so that I can get credit toward future Fixes (I promise I'll blog about them)

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Hump Day Bump Day updates- 30 weeks

Happy Feast of the Annunciation!

It also happens to be the 30 week marker for Sweet Baby O - so there is that. 

Two weeks ago, when we hit 28 weeks (I know, math is hard), I couldn't believe we were suddenly in the third trimester! That's mostly because who the hell knows when each trimester begins and ends?? But according to all my pregnancy app notifications we were finally into the 3rd tri...thank God for technology- how were women ever pregnant without knowing what size fruit or vegetable their baby measured up to each week?

I will say that I mostly feel pregnant now. And 80% of the sideways "pregnant or just chubby?" glances have stopped. To help people out, I tend to rub my belly like a mad woman. Non-verbal communication #forthewin !  We had our monthly appt at 28 weeks, this time with a midwife because our OB was on vaca (in Fiji! Waaaaaaaa!), and Alex and I realized how spoiled we are by our OB. Ultrasounds every time to check her heartbeat and "just see how she's doing". Totally spoiled. I know. The midwife did not spoil us however: she just listened for Baby's heartbeat with a Doppler- honestly the most glorious sound in the entire world- and measured my belly.

Now, I have lived my entire life in this body...shocking, I know. But when you live in your body for 29 years, you learn a thing or two about how your body is made (or proportioned, for instance). Por ejemplo, regular one piece swimsuits are a nightmare because my torso is long. Typically even long torso suits are a crap shoot as to whether or not they will fit, or I'll look something like Jane Fonda in her high-cut spandex (hellllllooooo 80's!). Anyway, back to my story, when the midwife took her measuring tape and did a double take- I felt somehow vindicated. "WOAH! You have a seriously long torso!" She announced. "Really?" I asked, because somehow all the years of not being able to stand upright in trying on too short swimsuits didn't seem to validate this fact as much as a professional torso-measurer aka midwife. "Yeah, one of the longest I've seen!" Great, freak of nature, yet again. 

 Anyway, what it made me realize is that, aside from being a chubby preggo (which has its perks as well, let me tell you), perhaps my bump is on the smaller side, because my torso is so long, and Sweet Baby O is like chillin in a King Sized "bed" in there instead of having to fight my internal organs for living space. At any rate, when she started REALLY growing (babies double in weight between 26-30 weeks or something) my bump started popping. And people started telling me "you are starting to really look pregnant!" Thank God, I can stop rubbing my belly like I'm Buddha in public. 

Also, we had a follow up ultrasound last week to check on Baby's kidneys (they are still watching the size of her kidneys... I believe they were initially measuring large, but don't quote me), her weight, and amniotic fluid levels (perhaps because of potential kidney problems? Idk, I'm not a DR). The tech was wonderful, I told her we hadn't been able to see Baby or get any good images because she had been stubborn, so she printed us a bajillion. Okay, like 15, but enough that I felt kinda rediculous walking out of the exam room with this big long string of ultrasound pics. I finally got to see her face! Her little nose, and lips, and chin...sucking on amniotic fluid (yum!). And the highlight... Which you already know if you follow me on Instagram... She was playing with her toes! AMAZING. 

and now, picture overload. You're welcome. 

28 weeks, versus...

30 weeks

Fin. 

Genetic Counseling, High Risk OB, results, and more! (part 2)

(I know the story is long, so I split it into 2 parts-- though if you're anything like me, you'll want to read to the end of the story anyway :)

Enter High Risk OB, stage right

The first words he said (apart from introducing himself) were music to our ears: "I'm pretty straight-forward. You're going to know everything I know today, I'll tell you what I see when I see it." Thank God we wouldn't have to wait for a report! 

The second thing he said was almost better: "I have looked at the radiologist's report and the original images, and I don't see what he thinks he saw, but we'll take a look and see if we see anything of concern." I breathed the biggest sigh of relief.

He explained that he would look at the heart, and kidneys, and measure baby's femurs (a common indicator for Down Syndrome, I guess). I let him know, much to my Husby's chagrin, that we were waiting to discover the sex of the baby until birth. He joked with us about not worrying, we wouldn't be able to decifer what was what in the ultrasound without him telling us. 

We got to see everything he saw. It was glorious. He explained everything he was looking at. He showed us the baby's femur, and I looked at the screen....

Femur, baby butt, femur... Hmmmm... I'm no expert (I thought to myself), but I know  the difference between a penis and a vagina. And I FOR SURE do not see any boy parts! I think we're having a girl! I kept it to myself because, after all, I'm not an OB, and I could totally have been confused about what I saw- there was still a chance at being surprised!

The OB told us that femurs measured normal, and what they thought was a Cardiac Foci in the heart, was actually just a muscle that was lighting up brightly, and that all the chambers of the heart looked normal, and the muscles were shaped the way they were supposed to be. The kidneys were measuring right on the outer range of normal, but he felt that it was not an indication of any defect and it would self-correct. He said baby looked  good and healthy and there was no indication to him of anything high risk and we should have an easy and uncomplicated delivery (please baby Jesus!) 

He then proceeded to try to take some quick pictures for us, and little peanut still would not cooperate. He printed them anyway, along with a report of all the measurements he had taken of the organs, etc. It was Greek to me, so I handed it to Alex to hold while I wiped the ultrasound goo off my belly. 

I saw his face light up. 

He silently turned the paper I had just handed him toward me and pointed to the upper right hand corner. 

"Sex: FEMALE"

All my pregnancy hopes for a gender reveal after labor were dashed in that instant. It was official, not just my guess of what I saw on an ultrasound. Alex was jumping out of his seat with excitement, and all I wanted to do was cry over my loss of a major part of my birth plan. 

But really, that lasted about 2 minutes. 

Also, my favorite part about this story is that Alex tried to console me after we left the office while he is practically jumping for joy with excitement (he REALLY wanted to know what we were having, and REALLY was hoping for a girl). He suggested that we could just not tell anyone else what we were having if it would make me feel better. Hahaha. I laughed and said, "yeah, how long were you able to keep the secret from me? Not even a second!" Oh well. I think it's God's little gift to Alex, and I'm okay with that. 

Baby is healthy!

Baby is a SHE!

Glory to God!

Thank you all for your prayers. 

Yes, we have a name picked. No, I'm not going to share what it is. SOMETHING has to be revealed after birth! ;)

Genetic Counseling, High Risk OB, results, and more! (part 1)

Alex and I walked into the genetic counselor's office as a big 'ol bundle of nerves. The geneticist instantly put me at ease with her warmth and smile- I was impressed to see her PhD in genetics on the wall- she REALLY IS a geneticist! Lol, I don't know why but I was expecting a counselor more than a geneticist. I could blame it on pregnancy, but let's be real...

She asked about family history on both both sides: disease, birth defects, pregnancy history of our parents and siblings, etc. and she drew little shapes on a piece of paper to represent the info we shared. She was mapping our genes! The closeted (I hope) nerd in me still thinks it's really cool. 

Anyway, what we learned: my quad-screening blood test (which screens for trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome), trisomy 18,  and 2 other genetic disorders that I'm too lazy to google right now) came back with this result:

1 in 285 chance of trisomy 21

1 in 10,000 chance of trisomy 18

So, in and of itself, the 1/285 chance of T-21 was not statiscally significant enough to notify us (I think she said they notify at 1/280 or higher risk- so we were still pretty close). However; the radiologist indication what he thought may be a Cardiac Foci on the heart- a calcium deposit which shines brightly in an ultrasound and is one of the (multiple) clinical markers for Down Syndrome that they look for. 

So, with the combination of statistical likelihood based on my blood test, combined with the 1 potential soft-marker, our statistical probability chance to a 1 in 11 chance of Baby having T-21 (Down Syndrome). I still am kind of shocked at how quickly the numbers flipped! We went from like a .03% chance to a 10% chance- that's super statistically significant! (Says the girl who has never taken a statistics class, and is not a mathematician. Haha.) 

The other potential concern was that baby's kidneys were measuring large which can be indicative of other defects, but that seemed to be less concerning to the geneticist, who informed us that the High Risk OB would look more closely for those markers in our ultrasound, but that the only way to rule out or confirm T-21 with certainty would be to have an amniocentesis, which the OB could perform during the Ultrasound that day if we decided to have it. 

Alex and I went back to the waiting room to await our ultrasound and discuss what we had heard. My sweet husband was concerned about knowing for sure if Sweet Baby O had T-21 because he knew the range of special needs was a wide one, and he wanted to be able to catch any potential heart defects/needs, early on. I'll be honest, I've always known about amniocentesis tests, and I understand their purpose in aiding diagnosis, but when faced with the test being performed on MY womb, and potentially risking the life of OUR baby (though the risk is small, there is still a risk)... I just could not get the image of that needle out of my mind. 

Alex and I decided that we would wait to see what the High Risk OB said and what the ultrasound showed, and we would go from there. 

Our Very Scary Week

We went to our 20-week anatomy scan with bright-eyed naïveté. (For those of you who either were pregnant before they did these anatomy scans, or are not in the phase of life where you/your besties/everyone you know is getting married and having babies... Let me explain. At 20(ish) weeks it is now customary to have an in-depth ultrasound in which the tech measures and takes images of all the main organs, etc. screening for any potential defects.)

We were so excited to get to watch our little one swim and squirm for 45 whole minutes while the tech snapped away! Ha. In reality, they made Alex wait in the lobby, and I stared at the dimmed fluorescent lighting in the ceiling while the tech pushed, and prodded on my uterus and (full!) bladder for 45 minutes, politely responding with no emotion to my every attempt to break the awkward silence with a witty quip or comment. (In her defense, they aren't allowed to reveal any info or lead you to believe things are good/bad due to liability.) 

At one point, I started to have a mini panic-attack because it seemed to me that she was going over and over the head/heart area of my baby. I thought this because it's the biggest part of the baby- and it hurt when she pushed! She finally told me she was having difficulty getting the baby in a position to capture heart images, and she sent me to retrieve Alex from the waiting room and go to the bathroom (thank God! I had to throw up! #noimnotjoking #mypregnantlife) 

Alex came and stood in the room and tried to decipher what exactly it was he was lookin at on the screen, while the tech chased the baby around a few more times, and then finally gave up. She explained that baby was laying horizontally across my uterus, with it's back facing out (face toward my spine). She explained that she couldn't get the images of the heart she needed, and they would be calling us to come in for another ultrasound, not to panic when we got the call. 

We did leave with this adorable little image of the glow worm that I am apparently carrying in my womb:

And that's as good as the images get! 😁

A week later I received a call from Kaiser wanting to schedule an appt for us with a Genetic Counselor, and a High Risk OB for an ultra sound. Woah. The tech had not said anything about genetic counseling, or a high risk ultrasound. I knew this was something different than just a re-scan for better imaging. But then again, Kaiser is all about protocol and procedure- was this just routine?

I contacted my OB's office and a nurse told me they had found markers on the ultrasound that triggered the genetic counseling and high risk OB appt, and that she would try to have my OB contact me with more info. 

Parenthood is a crazy thing. This baby is not even on the outside yet, and already we, as Mom and Dad, our hearts are

pre-occupied with wanting to protect and care for this little one even now. The "what-if" possibilities were swirling around us. Fear of what health problems our little one may have, whether or not we would have the means to care for it's every need, could we be "enough" for it, as parents? Would this baby get to stay with us? 

I was explaining to a friend yesterday, that this moment for me was my "rubber meets the road" moment. This moment in which I truly had to own and apply my faith in God and belief that ALL life has purpose and value and is a gift, no matter what that life may look like. It was a beautiful chance for me to realize how much my niece Lucy, and nephew Timothy, had grown my heart to be able to take that leap of faith and know it would be worth the risk and the pain. This baby, no matter what, was chosen for our family, and Alex and I could only pray that we could be what God was

calling us to be for it. 

After finally hearing back from the OB with more info about 4 days later (it turns out, she had left me a detailed voicemail before the initial appt call had come through, but I never saw it sitting on my phone), the OB confirmed that the ultrasound had shown potential soft markers for Down Syndrome in the heart and kidneys and THAT is what triggered the counseling appt and ultrasound with the High Risk OB. 

I cried sweet tears of relief. If Down Syndrome is all we have to worry about, then we really have no worries at all! My sweet Godson Timothy has taught me so much in just one year of his life about authentic JOY and love, I cannot imagine my life, or the lives of my future children, without his pure heart and faith to help us be better. With that news, my heart relaxed. I mean, come on, folks! Look at this face:

And his chubby feet and hands... I seriously can't stand it:

So if our little baby is anything like it's cousin... We will be blessed beyond measure. 

(Tune in next time, for the low down on our high risk appts)

Pregnancy Updates

Sorry for the lack of blogs. I have excuses, but... eh. I realized today that you may not remember that I am pregnant because I have been so absent - Heaven forbid! I am sorry, dear readers, that I have robbed you of my pregnancy over sharing.  Allow me to catch you up, and indulge in way too many bump pics. 

Sweet Baby O is still scheduled to arrive June 4, as "scheduled" as any non-surgical due date can be anyway. Let's be honest, babies come when they are good and ready. 

This little peanut is already a snuggly, cuddly, little one! At our 20 week anatomy scan, baby was so comfy and uncooperative that the tech couldn't get the images she needed, no matter how much she tried. Little stinker!

I am finally starting to feel like I look pregnant. Husby is excited for that because I can finally stop asking him if "I look pregnant, or just chubby?" For the record, he has been wonderfully insistent that I have looked pregnant for weeks... God love him! 

23 weeks! More than half way there. The first 16 weeks dragggggggged on. Between waiting every day to see if this little babe would get to stay with us, to the absolute pregnancy exhaustion - which, by the way, NO ONE can fully prepare you for weeks of feeling like you've been hit by a truck! (I've never had mono, but I'm pretty sure that's what I felt like for weeks 7-14ish) - the days dragged (drug? #whocares) on. Oh also, there was this little thing called "Morning sickness" (also not prepared for that) which I had from about week 6 to week 8. And then, at week 8, I stopped just feeling nauseous, and started actually throwing up. Daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. 

I counted down the days until my first tri would be over and I could stop throwing up. And when I got to week 18, I tried to not think about how many weeks I had spent hung over all of the toilets in SoCal (literally all of them). My favorite part (not) was when people would ask how I was feeling, be surprised when I told them the truth, and then tell me "don't worry... You'll be to the end of it soon! How many weeks are you?" I celebrated Week 20 (NOT within the First Trimester of pregnancy, for those of you who have difficulty dividing 40 by 3 #errbody) by "tossing the proverbial cookies" as I shared on el FB (though it wasn't actually cookies, because #gfsfdfsucks ). I actually started to feel better for most of week 22, but don't get too excited, because I celebrated those 3-4 glorious days by getting sick again yesterday. 

People tell me "it will get..." And I interrupt them: "Nope. We're past that point ::SMILE:: looks like we're in it for the long haul." 

And that's okay, because... Baby. (All the heart eyes)

More updates for you- like the story about our scary ultrasound, and MORE! Coming up on the blog... At some point (let's keep it real ;). 

In the meantime, want some awkward bump selfies??? I know you do.